


Never Had No One Ever 从未被爱

by stipethom



Category: Cable (Comics), Cable and Deadpool, Deadpool (Comics), X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, First Time, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Many confrontation and drama, Mpreg, Post-Break Up, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:54:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24351685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stipethom/pseuds/stipethom
Summary: Despite Wade thinks he is ugly and irreparable, Nate has different ideas. But it is not easy when one of them is a despicable loonie, and the other one dies several times.尽管韦德认为自己丑陋而无可救药，内特对此有不同看法。他是可憎的疯子雇佣兵，而他曾数次造访死亡，在一起几乎是不可能的。
Relationships: Every event leads to Cablepool, Nathan Summers/Neena Thurman, Nathan Summers/Wade Wilson, Other relationships playing an important parts, Shiklah/Wade Wilson
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first time to actually write an English fic. For me, it’s a new start.
> 
> Beta by Ocean_Dementia. I couldn't possibly thank her enough.
> 
> Please leave your feedbacks to let me know your thoughts!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song lyrics of Never Had No One Ever.

Nathan Summers woke up in the middle of the night with an eye fixed on him, blinking feral. Telekinesis set the candlelight like magic, and it was finished momentarily, just enough for the mutant to take a glance at his surroundings. Then he saw it, man-shaped sprawling ink spot, a person. He stretched out his TO arm only to reach the other man’s pulse, whose whole body hot and sweaty and smelled like psychedelics. He sighed and took Wade on his shoulders, feeling the merc was as heated as an oven. Nathan did not need to touch Wade’s forehead to decide that he need some fresh air.

While he tried to drag Wade out of the clothes, the merc obeyed despite turning restlessly. Finally he got to see Wade half naked with his pants loosely around the hip. It was no unfamiliar view, to be honest. He knew how those scars and creases felt like when he occasionally punched or hugged Wade without his trademark outfit. It was rare for the merc to reveal his skin, as if it was some kind of an unusual treat. Other people seldom considered it a treat, though, but Nathan was unaware of it.

As his hands worked all the way down Wade’s belt, he could feel his warm breath filled the dimly lit room. Wade finally closed both eyes, which gave Nathan some relief, but then his chest was stroked by the younger man’s blunt fingers. Even in his sleep, Wade had been eyeing him with no shame, and all those fingers made Nathan’s voice muffled with a sudden gasp and raise of heartbeat. He stopped, ignoring Wade’s hand to keep still, and glaring inquisitively into Wade as him made a grimace.

“I am stoned,” Wade said with incredible clarity, “what do you expect.” 

“I would certainly not expect you break into my place at 3 am.”

“Sorry, Nate, ”Wade mumbled, his fingers still caressing Nathan’s upper body, “I’ll take off my boots next time.”

He managed to move closer. Nathan, out of good will, glanced at his muddy boots. There was a fragrance like peppermint and lemon, must have been the drink, and he had no idea how it ended up on the boots. Nathan wiped Wade’s hand off him and kneeled to the floor to untie his boots.

But Wade would not let him go.

The legs caught him as soon as he tried to stand up from the position between Wade’s crotch. Bad move, Nathan instantly regretted it after he undid the shoelaces, and now he was trapped with a drunk lunatic, and he was using lunatic in an authentic way. For a moment he didn’t move as he was still looking down on Wade, and wished for some liquor for himself. Maybe some dry whisky, strong enough to send him straight back to sleep. His own figure fled from Wade’s eyes like it had been a ghost.

“Why do you keep coming over? ”Nathan asked, uncertain whether to Wade or to himself, “Why do I allow you? ”

His fingers fidgeted. Another candle was lighted. He could see Wade better now.

In the quiet of night he lay on Nathan’ carpet, muscled limbs sinking into the soft fabric, and there was a moon shedding shadows on the man’s destroyed face. It seemed unfit to cast him out, at least not tonight. He was truly a masterpiece of nature’s evil, and his inner was as miserable as his outside. A creature, a he-thing, lying on Nathan's carpeted floor, and strangely Nathan pitied him, even had thought about him once or twice.

Then Wade was climbing him on all fours, squeezing him passionately with what stewed strength remained. Wade's bare, scarred presence rubbed Nathan’s clothed torso. He kissed him vulgarly, with very little lips, miraculously met Nathan’s dried mouth as his hazel eyes blurred.

He immediately felt the moment, the heat, and every pant around it. Wade betrayed him the revelation of their friendship, and pulled him out of composure by sucking on the flesh of his neck. If Wade’s desire through the eyes and the body had been what he thought it was, then Wade was pleading him. It burned into him, compelled him to nail Wade against the wall and took him wildly.

He was almost drowned by smoke and blood which were part of Wade averted by he more than the grotesqueness of his mind. But now Wade just tasted lustful and amazed. It occurred to him that the merc was too agile to be caught while secretly satisfied by the thought it. They were necking, biting each other with more than necessary violence, and sharing the booze and drugs from tongues entangled, in a way neither of them ever attempted before.

Nathan had experience with women. Wade apparently had experience with different sexes. He would boast about his affairs to Nathan while Nate didn’t take the hint then. Wade was skillful, as his reputation preceded him, and was submissive contrary to his general attitudes towards everything else. As soon as Wade got into his pants and reached for his abdomen, he gave him shivers that made him hard to hold back. How am I to think I am the sober one, Nate thought to himself, and moved slightly for the skillful merc to have more space to perform. He could only bit down his heart as he watched Wade sit on his thighs and kiss his shoulders like a dancer. He palmed Wade’s face ever so naturally, because he desired to, and that was when Wade rudely broke the silence, suddenly not caring about maintaining the mood.

“You don’t do this cherry pie.” He grumbled, voice mocking, “I rarely fuck men, but when I do, they don’t touch me. Women, on the other hand, are welcome to touch me and suck me off. So, do you belong to the women category or what?”

“Wade, I don’t quite follow.”

“We’ve already kissed.” He said it breathily, “That is enough. No touch. Or you go fuck yourself.”

They remained wordless for a while.

“First, you—” Nathan started, “don’t call me that.”

“Alright.”

They kissed again, almost unwillingly, but Wade’s bare chest drew near. Eventually all clothing were discarded next to the furnace, and without any preparation, Wade asked him to fuck him, and promised he would make him feel good. Nathan gave in to the idea, not without concern, and when he grabbed Wade’s cheeks for his dick to enter, Wade’s teeth and fingers left painful and pleasant marks on his neck and back. He fucked so hard that Wade didn’t care he was feeling Wade’s body all over.

They fit each other like body to mind, and now making love had snatched bodies and minds away. They meshed beautifully, even one of them was thought to be ugly. Now the conception of beauty finally made sense to him. It mingled the present with past and futures. It was shocking at first to see Wade in all of his past and futures, but now it seemed just right.

“Why do you want me?” He asked with hesitation.

“Damn you, just shut up.” It was hard. He tried to grasp Wade like catching a fish. There was something so obvious but he missed it, and Wade was shy to give away.

“Wade, just tell me, because I don’t just sleep with anyone.”

Wade began to look hostile.

“Lucky you, because I am happy to sleep with about anyone.” And by the sharpness in Wade’s tone, Nathan knew it was never true. “Well, especially when I was a good-looking fuckboy. Those were the good days. Here I am, obsolete 80’s CDs at a discount, Volumes of a hero whose entire history erased by reboot – and by that I mean, I am not even all these garbage, ‘cause I am the bedbugs on the mattress where you throw your garbage on…”

“Maybe I am just like anyone else you slept with.” Nathan said matter-of-factly.“But for me there is a reason, Wade.”

Abruptly he was bending Wade. He was oh-so-compliant.

“And, what might it be may I ask our omnipotent Mutant Jesus?” Wade was shuddering being fucked, harshly interrupted by pleasure and swear. “Fuck! Why don’t you just focus on your dick rather than start an argument in the middle of it? Would you make a poem about my horror movie make-up instead it’s not make-up?

“I may not love you, ”Nathan confessed, “But I want to. I don’t know how, not yet.”

Wade simply replied. “You should have fucked more. That will help you straighten your mind.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never Had No One Ever  
> by The Smiths 
> 
> When you walk without ease  
> On these  
> Streets where you were raised  
> I had a really bad dream  
> It lasted twenty years, seven months, and twenty seven days  
> I never, I'm alone, and I  
> Never, ever oh, had no one ever  
> Now I'm outside your house  
> I'm alone  
> And I'm outside your house  
> I hate to intrude  
> Oh, alone, I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone  
> I'm alone  
> I'm alone  
> And I never, never, oh, had no one ever


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Right now there was nothing left to do in this room.

It was pretty obvious, now to think about it, that he and Wade always had something brewing above hem like a hint of rain. The confrontation had been unavoidable, and the fruits of their growing intimacy came out unexpectedly yet not in the least disagreeably. The confession, too, was inevitable. Nathan was honest with himself. But there were voids; emptiness never to be probed. No one had gone that far nor had him allowed them to.

By contemplating upon his relationship with Deadpool, Nathan threw himself into an uncharted territory. At first he thought he was drawn to Deadpool’s problematic attitudes just as a physician tending to a patient or a teacher to a first grader. However, he discovered it could be anything else but that. How did this most volatile individual become a source of stability in his time-hopping life, and how was it possible that the yearnings and itching had been mutual? It was the first time he did it for his particular need, not for any altruistic causes.

Nathan got attached to people, sure, but typically they had proved their worth to him. But Deadpool had come back to and stayed with him, of all people, after his attempts to kill him. He could not and probably never would fathom Wade, but as day went by it didn’t matter anymore.

Now he was watching Wade closely, how the man moved under the sheets and how his eyes quivered under his eyelids, which without lashes looked like sculptures made from sandstone. He was mesmerized into touching Wade, for a moment his skin felt vulnerable under his palms, and immediately as he flexed his fingers, Wade’s jaw tensed.

Wade was awake, and seemed to be wavering between pushing him away and keeping still. Maybe he thought he didn’t have the right to refuse. Nathan found himself talking again, as if his brain considered it an opportunity for starting a post-coital conversation.

So he lit one more cigarette. The nearest ashtray was already filthy and full.

He said. “I want things between us to stay this way.”

Wade grabbed his pack of cigarettes and took a long drag.

“What the fuck are you saying.”

“I think we have a relationship.”

“Friends with benefits? Hell yeah. As legal as being a homosexual superhero.” Wade deadpanned.

“You can’t deny it.” Nathan wasn’t diverted, “And you know very clear I don’t mean the benefits part.”

“Are we talking about the same fucking thing.”

“We’re not.”

“But you are too ignorant to explain. ”

“I am.”

He waited. Wade flipped himself over in the bed. Darkness relaxed their tension, so everything in the room was kept in a gloomy trance. No buzz, no creak. His face unreadable while his voice pressed on.

“Yeah, I hate playing games too.” He rasped, “As limited as human beings are, you and I are considered one of a kind, but _different_ kinds. I don’t really align with you, neither do you please me. It’s best we crossed paths only once in a while.”

“You haven't considered all the possibilities. Yet I thought you see the potential.”

“Maybe I have. Maybe I am not interested in fucking with myself anymore. You’ve seen holes. I don’t want help, especially from you. Every time I fuck up someone come along to rescue me but I know fate does not give preferential treatments and soon or later there will be a price to pay. I am too insignificant for anyone to care, and worst of all, your help makes me recoil like a fucking shellfish. Tap my chest and you will hear my ribs creak and crumbling, and all I can think of is screw you, Nate, get the hell out of my system! ”

He grated his teeth. The air was almost trembling, and all of a sudden Nathan saw himself in Wade’s eyes. He looked tired, but otherwise impeccable, a benevolent king trying to stoop to the same level. And fear rose that he wouldn’t be able to reach over the gap and make any difference at all.

“I want to die sometimes, but I want to live most of the time. If you died and un-died a million fucking times you will understand. I know, I’m fucking weak, just can’t give up my life. This is killing me because it is killing my survival instinct! You want to make me better, and the irony is that you made me dependent on something unreal and you paralyzed me, like, forever.”

But it is real, we can make it real. I will not leave you alone—he wanted to shout, he wanted his furious voices to fill the air—I will do everything in my power to prevent that future from ever coming into existence. But he knew, with sad acknowledgement to Wade’s words, that he couldn’t make promises, especially a mutant like him. He couldn’t own anything in this world, neither has anyone the right to own him.

The truth was there in the beginning, he just refused to see it. He thought he could make some adjustments, but he never could ask Wade to die for him.

"But you know what? Maybe I would--I want to try this. Promise that you won't _kill_ me, OK? We can discuss other terms later."

Tears nearly escaped his heavy-browed eyes when Wade stood up to touched him, naked and bold, his body tinted by the pale light of dawn. Again, they were kissing and moaning, with the realization that at this moment in time there was nothing left to do in this room.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Nate dated Domino, he decided to visit Wade again. It didn't go as he planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please see the added new tags.

They were together for a few months before he was kicked out of Providence.Nate found him and they fought and he pushed Nate away. Nate called him and after several failures he came to terms with their divorce and didn’t bother him anymore. Then Wade was seeing he with Domino and the way Nate looked at Neena was so familiar that he felt his heart want to puke. 

Even Wade wasn’t that much of a jerk to blame Nate for casting out him of Providence. Where as it was a legit move it didn’t have to be personal. However, to Wade it was a proof that he should’ve had wanted Nate despite Nate’s conflicting attitude. Nate might be harsh and gritty on the outside but deep down he is willing to sacrifice his own well-being to save everyone in the world. The fact that Nate prioritizes him as a lover just further proves him to be a scumbag and toted up his self-loathe. 

He should’ve foreseen it. He should’ve been prepared but he has been avoiding and denying until Nate appeared at his door and wanted to talk to him. 

They doesn’t talk—hasn’t talked about Domino. Wade doesn’t know whether they broke up or whether they are just trying to work things out or be ready for the opposite, which, in some people’s terms, means that you are allowed to see other people. That seems very much like the case. For once Nate is seeking his help for intimate relationship but also the worst possible way. But Wade is really fucked as well if not even more so, so who is he to judge. 

They weren’t supposed to fuck or at least they didn’t plan to fuck. Nate sat on Wade’s incredibly small and ragged couch while watching TV with Wade. He didn’t bitch out how stupid that old Jeopardy episode was. Wade tried something new instead of his favorite Golden Girls because he felt anticlimactic for Nate’s mood to ruin his Golden Girls. There were a couple of beers, sure, and the number of beers kept growing, but neither of them appeared to be drunk. Especially because it’s impossible to intoxicate Wade due to his healing factor and if Wade did something stupid he couldn’t blame it to the alcohol. 

But Nate encouraged him. And Nate was the one who started this. Nate sat near to him and breathed hot air into his face and then Nate decided that it was the right moment to seduce him.

There they are, making out on his dirty, shabby couch. Nate’s psionic power made the TV hummed and faded to dark. Nate’s bulky body pinned him on the couch and all he could do is twist and concede.

Nate’s big hands rough with years of gun holding patiently rubs against his lean muscles on his sides, tracing every curves where the ribs under skin rise and fall, pushing and sinking into his sides. Nate loves his skin, he thinks, and suddenly he stiffens as if being violated. Like shit hits the fan, him panics. 

Every inch of him turns still. he knows he is about to get sweaty and disgusting — sometimes people only get to appreciate their hair after losing it. But the fucking hands don’t stop on his body. Nate hugs him so tight that it hurts, and it crushes him. Air is pressed out of his lungs, and he has to breathe sharply for more air. 

Nate shouldn’t fucking hold him like he owns him. It just adds up to the list of fucked-upness of his life. Nate shouldn’t be so protective of him that makes him feel he is being loved, but no.

He is no one’s treasure or darling, that much he knows.

He is aware of of his old fashioned smallpox-ish looks, thank you very much. His mug is ugly to say the least. He once shattered all the mirrors so there would be no uninvited self reflections every time he forgot to not look. In the nightmares he had to gaze at his own reflection as it were someone else’s, and waking up to the cold realization that this is who he is. Other nights he is bloody lumps of tumors being surgically removed. This Frankenstein’s monster of a body dwindles every tiny bit of dignity and memory of old self. Might as well disappear before morphing into ghastly disfigurement.

Nate palms his back and embraced him firmly and unwaveringly. Somehow the pressure put his pieces into place.This is fucking wrong because when your partner has a panic attack triggering them should be the last thing on your mind. Nate should see through his layers of bullshit and realize the remaining scraps are irrepairable.

But Nate is such a dreamer. He just loves to fix things. 

The texture of Nate’s skin differs from that of his own, giving him sensations that almost make him cry and he hasn’t cried for what seems like an eternity. Maybe it’s his hard alligator skinthat allows him to get off from even steel scrubber. He tried it before yet it didn’t hurt as Nate’s gentle touches.

Nate getting physical with him doesn’t spell out the meaning and it pissed him like hell. Wade’s mind is far too twisted to receive implicit message. If Nate wants to play this game, fine, but he better declares his rules and boundaries so they can really negotiate.

“I’m gonna kiss you now.” Nate’s throat tumbled against his forehead. Wade is far to desperate for this to ask him to stop now and he know better than anyone how this will eventually go down. It’s simpler to just shut down brain and let go of senses. Nate continues, voice hot and low. “I’m gonna fuck you hard till you beg me to stop. “

Wade is so, so done. 

He opened his mouth to retort as a knee jerk reflex, but the bubble of a joke died without materialization. Nate doesn’t notice and picks up his jaw like he owns him and looks straight into his horrible eyes. He feels soreness builds up in his cheekbone muscles and eats away his sensorium. He is unable to make out a single sound when their lips meet. 

If Wade didn’t need Nate so badly, he wouldn’t act so weird. No grown man should be so worked up by just making out. Nate continues to caress his sides because Nate seems to be infatuated by their lines and shapes and complexion, as if they are the prettiest thing in the world. Finally, The hands leaves moves up to his chest, so they have to part their to allow space for that. Wade catches his breath and tilts his face to nuzzle against Nate’s shoulder, because that is the highest point he can reach without tipping on his toes. Nate’s hands start working on his waist and his lower body, strong fingers finding interesting locations to linger and stroke, making steady circles that shaken his breaths and melt his brain into a pool of sensual pleasures.

Nate makes him feel real, makes he feel that he deserves all the bodily pleasures for even an ugly man like him. Nate touches him because He wants to. If Nate has noticed how desperate he is, he doesn’t say anything. Wade wants to indulge himself just a little more.

Under Nate’s appreciative eyes there always lies a praise waiting to drop.That makes Wade want more, make Wade wants to surprise Nate. His mouth waters as he imagines all the places he can work on Nate’s body, all the shades and curves that he can tease and play with. When Nate squeezes his hip, he feels his dick already throbbing with anticipation. He hastily pulled of his boxers and the bulge in Nate’s underwear makes him giggles. Muffled utterances come out of his mouth and soon they become coherent. A joke at last.

“Someone’s gun is sooooo loaded.” He pouts at Nate’s dick, “Uncle Wade is gonna give little Nate a limited offer of premium oral membership.”

Nate’s eyes darkens and become misty with desires. There’s a painful fondness that makes him dizzy and hurt. He tries not to think about it. He sticks out his pink tongue and licks his lips with sultry glances.

Nate growls. “I’d like to know the details.”

As he promised, Wade kneels on the ground while Nate stands against the wall, one hand petting his head. Wade takes in Nate’s half-hard dick and occupies himself with passionate sucking and swallowing, making loud appreciative sounds as if he has never tasted anything better. He buries his nose in Nate’s light-colored pubic hair and takes in Nate’s whole length all at once, allow Nate’s dick to touch his throat and make him making gagging noises. He likes when his mouth is full with cock as long as he doesn’t choke. A couple more minutes later and his own erection is already leaking from being fucked in the mouth. Nate holds his scalp and grabs the back of his neck, so Wade gives in to it and enjoys the dick bobbing back and forth against his cheeks. Hearing Nate groan and shift to his little tricks makes his chest bubble up and proud. Shutting down brain’s higher functioning feels so damn good. After all, that’s what sex is all about.

He likes Nate to dominate, likes the way Nate uses his body adoringly as if he’s not disposable, and he wants Nate to be smitten with him as much as he is. He deep-throates one last time and Nate’s thighs goes limp. The big, bulky man tries to pull out before he floods Wade’s moth with cum, but Wade refuses to disengage. White messy cum filled his mouth and smeared his swollen lips. As he swallowed it all down with a satisfied moan, Nate looks awe-struck. It’s so cute that Nate has to break his good manners for Wade. He knows that Nate wants to be rough but is too nice to act out such urges. He likes it rough and harsh, because what’s the fun in sex if there’s no violence. He needs to work on making Nate break manners if this ever happens again.

His cheeks is petted by long and strong fingers. He feels like a good pet, and he almost wants to tease Nate about putting a leash on his neck. Then Nate just grabs him and lands him on the bed scattered with pillows. He almost forgets he has a bed. 

Nate looks down at him, with a complicated expression he cannot make out exactly what that means. Nate strokes his faces hard without a word. Those blue eyes fixes upon him with unrepressed desires and a certain determination that he wants to melt in it. His heart stops when Nate decides to fuck him like an animal. He knows with pride that no lovers of Nate has ever seen him like this. That encourages him to push Nate’s limits. Nate sinks his nails in his hips that makes him yelp, cupping the flesh on his butt cheeks as if he cannot get his hands off Wade’s skin. The future mutant really has an unorthodox view of beauty and incredibly flexible tastes.

He spreads his thighs, pulls his butt cheeks open, and he pants with a little exaggeration to sound like a slutty teenage girl. There is something innocent and pleading in his eyes and that is probably why Nate forgives him for acting so weird. He is ugly, after all, and he can’t really be seductive. But it doesn’t matter anymore. Nate lifts his legs forcefully and his big, rough hands hooks his legs on his shoulders. Legs are what Wade can be proud of if he ignores the lumps and scars and how the wounds smell. While Nate fingers him steadily, his other hand grips so hard that hurt. When Nate first enters him it feels too full to be comfortable, but Wade doesn’t feel bad at all. Nate strokes his dick quickly, and as he thrusts forward he keeps checking on Wade‘s reaction. It gets even better when Nate starts to forget to be gentle, and because Nate knows how to hit his sweet spots, he can only shake and make stupid animal cries. He wants Nate to treat him like a human, but he also wants Nate to treat him like an animal. Sometimes he only wants to be a dog with wiggling tails and goes into heat period that cares about nothing but his dick.

Nate fucks him mindless and sore and his brain blacks out after the first few organisms. Nate must have thrown him into some challenging positions because when he lies on the bed his lower body is completely numb, and he feels bruises and pains all over muscles and tendons. He won’t tell Nate because Nate will stop. It is so good to be desired that even Nate is unable to hold back. 

Nate turns to him and kisses him again and this time Wade lets him do whatever he wants in submission. Their tongues twisting and bonding lazily out as if they know each other for a long time. Then Nate stretches out his arm on Wade without moving away. 

Suddenly Wade doesn’t feel good anymore. He realizes with a shuddering pain that the way Nate looks at him doesn’t change who he is. He is still this god-awful mercenary living in a cesspool. Even if Nate does love him —But Nate can’t possibly love him. 

Does he love Nate, though? He wants Nate so bad that Nate wants to use him more, to need him more, and maybe to even care about him more. But there’s so much difference between love and need, between cathartic sex and actual commitment. Whereas he doesn’t need more nightmares to remind himself what a grotesque existence he is, he doesn’t want someone to dignify what is left of him after everything he’s been through. Nate wants to pick up his pieces, fine, but he will soon understand that there are no good pieces to pick up from.

Nate yawns and turns, looking at Wade in a mixed expression of want and persuasiveness.

“We should talk. We—We keep getting back to each other. There’s more to this. Please, don’t run away from me again.“

A gush of ugly feeling in Wade's chest sizzles and seethes. He wants to snap, wants to claw at Nate’s statue-like face, dragging Nate into the living hell of his every day. But Nate is so beautiful and trusting, naked and satiated,snuggling with him on uncleaned sheets as if he doesn’t have anything else to do. 

He pushes Nate away.

“Have you told Domino that you fucked me before seeing her?”

Nate’s lips purses.

“She didn’t ask.” He finally says,harder than usual. “We don’t talk about such things when we see each other.”

“Maybe you should warn her,” Wade says bitterly, “She should know what dirty places your dick has been to and then she will probably change her mind about dating you. She also needs to brush her pussy with detergent or whatever kind of hygiene products chicks use.”

Nate frowns. “Stop it, Wade. You are humiliating yourself.”

“Fucking me is humiliating yourself and Neena should know it, you should know it, and now you’re back to fucking me, you are despising yourself because you have lost the battle and many other precious things. When you go down I’m always here waiting for you, babe, and don’t you worry about getting that girl back. She’ll totally understand that you need to get this shit out of your system, and the you’re back to normal, nice and clean.”

“It’s not like that!” Nate shoots back, his face is red and annoyed, but in the corner in his eyes there is shame. Wade doesn’t miss that. “I and Domino— it won’t work. We are no longer —We are breaking up. I have made my choices.”

“You came to me and now you are satisfied ‘cause among other things you can still fuck me and you know I’m not getting laid anyway. Old Wade Wilson never refuses hot, mutie sex. Don’t pretend you don’t know you son of a bitch.”

Nate looks at him unbelievably. “You think that’s why I’m here? You left me but now you are accusing me of moving on? Don't act like as if you own me!”

Wade snorts. “So hon, why exactly are you here? ”

Nate doesn’t speak. Nate just looks more frustrated. However, something changes his mind and oh, fuck him, he manages to sound certain and relieved.

“You are jealous.” Nate says in a soothing voice. “That’s why you are acting like this. You don’t have to compare yourself with -- ”

The words sting. Nate should never have said it. “Spare that, will ya?” The spite and vehemence in his voice is screaming now. “Admit that you have a  special fetish for despicable loonies who are too ugly to refuse your cock. And you love skin cancer and stink and in your weird future your taste is welcome and acceptable. You can’t find anyone who fit your fetish so you have to settle with hot chicks with smooth boobs. I bet you are sexually frustrated all the time and you are such a gentleman to tell Neena about your fantasies. Oh, that’s why you are so into ‘Nessa. The girl of your dreams can shape-shift into whatever freakish fantasy you have. But l’m good too, am I? So whenever you slip, you think it’s sane to have sex with me.”

That has done it. Nate looks shocked and disgusted. His voice is coarse with fury and pain. “Don’t you talk about copycat. She cheated me, you were there, and you hurt Neena—she never recovered! You are the  accomplice. You don’t even regret doing that, do you?”

Wade laughs.

For the first time, he sees Nate is taken aback. His heart is jumping angrily with blood rushing to his brain. He can see himself from the TV screen, which reflects his hideous face oozing cruel satisfaction and excruciating sickness. He laughs and laughs and laughs until Nate finally breaks the silence. His face is stern and, but he is showing that sad resoluteness that makes Wade’s heart sink. 

“I was presumptuous to assume that you have changed. I don’t regret coming over to talk, but you have made it clear.” He pauses, before he says his last words, he looks gloomy and disappointed. “I’ll leave.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nate dies for the first time. Before and after, Wade contemplates on the things between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Chinese. Finger crossed for bilingual readers!  
> 这一章是中文！

他是埋在土里的人。他的脑袋半露在外，因而他被迫被铁锹不停地殴打，仿佛他是一堆冥顽不化的肥料。

或许，至始至终是他自己在挥动着铁锹。

在内特走后，诺大的公寓里只剩下他和他的自由了。紧接着，日期的数字开始糊成一团，不可分辨。时间混乱地蹦来蹦去，他感到时间的流逝已经丧失了任何已知的物理规律。他的制服来不及烘干，披萨来不及吃完。他的整个世界开始缓慢地沉入他所熟知那片黑暗。

一地狼藉。这写照是他的家，也是他的心。

若说他心中有什么接近爱的感情 —— 那他已然深受其苦。他是爱的电流横冲直撞所毁坏的管线。爱对他毫无怜悯。

如今，他更不会得到垂怜。他得到过爱的许诺，爱却像铁锹一样重击他 —— 直至他躺进坟墓，再也无力睁开双眼。

命运用胡萝卜夹大棒来对付他，而他是明知故犯的驴子。

在韦德冗长的黯淡的人生之中，他所经历的、所呼吸的是粗俗不堪愚不可及的空气。他的心灵是不通风的隧道，被放弃了，被遗忘了。可是有一个人却踩着腐败的枯叶走了进来。他在隧道墙壁上晃动着昏黄的电筒光。只需要一点点光明，一点点热力，他就拥有了韦德。他使得韦德的心的某个角落活了过来。

那个人曾是内特。

他曾经听到了爱的低声许诺，但他不知道这是不是爱。对那个大好人、阿斯卡尼之子来说关心一个人是如此自然，美好的情感会轻柔地嗡鸣在他们之间，而不会骤然短路；戴斯普林会保护好妮娜，保护好他的队友，保护好他的女儿 —— 将来他或许会有，那将成为他人生最重要的一部分 —— 。

韦德没有多少选择。他一次次跌进同一个屎坑。

不出所料，命运不想给他们来个痛快。他们之间隔着悬而未决的句点。他们是句子的头尾，被坚不可摧的铁锁连结着，永远不能逃开，他们之间是沉重的 predicate ，句子需要他们才能完整地表达和创造意义。

普罗维登斯之后是卢美吉斯坦，卢美吉斯坦之后是弥赛亚战争，战斗永无止境，英雄人物 —— 哪怕没人这样想 —— 他的牺牲是循环往复的母题。锁链是领导人，是被需要的战士，或者更准确的，独一无二的将领。他总是有办法召集他的臣民和士兵。一次又一次，他找到了死侍，他需要死侍站在他身边，尽管死侍的位置尚待明确。死侍既不是他的臣民，也不是他的士兵。但是死侍应该，必须，永远地站在锁链的身边。

锁链的雕像在卢美吉斯坦竖起后，爱琳和妮娜出席了记者会，她们安静地哀悼着，眼里噙着泪水。没有人提议公开葬礼，因为锁链不是什么众所爱戴的超级英雄，他是一个充满争议、自不量力的自封的救世主。甚至连站在他那边的朋友和战友都并不忠于他的理想和信念。他的旧部尊敬他，听从他，然而没有人像韦德一样无条件地信任他。

对于韦德和内特，他们二人有一种无形的默契。无论他们对彼此多么失望和疲惫，有过多少次决裂和背叛，他们都不可以彼此为敌。当他们变成了敌人，他们最终一定会后悔。他们将祈祷这一次，下一次，他们永远不要与彼此为敌。历史一次又一次地证明了这一点。

此刻，死侍与锁链对峙着。事后韦德将会忘记许多，但这是一个他不会忘记的瞬间，和他储存性幻想的小盒子摆在一起，他希望它们能够交流一些被韦德滥用的心得体会。

他的思绪回到此刻。

锁链的战友们将死侍层层包围，仿佛他是颗定时炸弹。假如死侍真是炸弹，那必然已经倒数完毕，任何拆弹专家都将对接下来的灾难束手无策了。

多米诺站在内特身边。她们亲密而警惕，而韦德无法忽视这对旧情人之间有一种微妙的距离感。

内特遵守了他的承诺。他没有回到多米诺身边。也许，韦德恶意地猜想，妮娜终于对内特与他的关系恶心了，她要清清白白地踢开这团狗屎，做她漂亮能干的幸运女孩。

锁链无视了战友们的警戒。他人眼里的他们是不可能合作的两个角色，但是韦德知道内特不这样想。内特的肩膀一如既往稳如磐石，他的身影掩盖住所有的不解与怀疑，他的蓝眼睛一瞬不瞬地直视着死侍不可捉摸的面罩。

“ 好吧，我加入。 ”

韦德回答道。

顺从内特总是让他感到轻松。

“ 你没还问这次我站在哪一边。 ”

“我不在乎，” 韦德说， “我得把脑子腾出来给更重要的东西，比如黄金女孩，周六夜现场什么的。嗯唔，多米，晚上好，用枪指着人是锁链军队的新问候方式吗？”

妮娜的手搭在扳机上。她的目光松弛了一下。

“ 只要你站在我们这边，没人会对你开枪。 ”

他们的私人关系不会影响他们执行任务。但是那依然困扰着他们。几天之后，那变得过于显著，使得他们踏过的土地都仿佛承受了更多重量，因而比他人更难以从此刻的境遇里摆脱。当他们同时处于一个房间里，其他人都会感到一种拉扯，他们眉目纠结，仿佛在灯影里凭空出现了一只飞蛾，而他们不知道是否要把它嘘走。

和内特并肩作战的每一分每一秒都那么刺激，美妙，他感觉不到时光飞逝，他的大脑被多巴胺填满。他和内特共享了那么多珍贵的回忆，他们彼此的对抗与真情流露比什么都鲜明灼目，他们终究要变得亲密，他们都知道这不可避免，他们被驱使着跨出第一步，第二步，直到最终无可挽回，但这无情的驱力不可阻挡，一路摧毁障碍，也摧毁被它驾驭的人。

爆炸之后，安全屋外的敌军便尽数悄无声息。他翻动刀刃，闪电般切开敌人的咽喉。血溅上内特的下颌，而韦德笑得像鬼。雷雨的轰隆声席卷过铁灰色的库房，窗帘翻飞，仿佛鸟儿在试图逃离风暴。韦德透过面罩凝视着内特的双眼，无光的那只闪烁着冷的色泽，而蓝色的那只炯炯有神地注视着他，像要把他吞吃掉。他的眼里浮现出毫无保留的惊叹，仿佛他已经无所顾虑，已经无法再抗拒他和韦德之间的引力。这引力是如此的酸楚和恐怖。韦德身体的每一寸都在战栗，遥远的雷声在倾盆大雨中低啸，每一道闪电都在他的筋骨里爆裂。浮尘在空气中隐隐若现，在逐渐闷热起来的无光的房间里，他和内特的身影依旧刀刻般深邃和晦暗。韦德想质问，想祈求，在他想明白之前他就必须说出口，但紧致的胸腔只允许他发出一连串呛水似的咳嗽。他感到嘴角的肌肉拧伤一般酸痛。他的样子隔着面罩一定很滑稽，可是内特不错眼珠地看着他，睫毛都不动弹分毫。内特脸庞紧绷，没有一丝微笑的影子。他看上去几乎是危险的，他让韦德鲜血沸腾。

他们几乎是撞在一起，脸庞紧贴。

韦德掐住内特的后颈，而内特扯掉他的面罩，他们吻在一起，过去的争吵、怨恨、苦涩、情欲急促地糅合，在用力摩擦的干柴上火上浇油。他们最终妥帖地倒在床上，而不是像第一次那样跪在地毯上，或者像之前许多次那样靠在墙上，门上，与今夜相比，过去的性爱全都变得不足挂齿。

“对不起。” 他喃喃地对内特说，“对不起。”

而内特像是看穿了他那颗黑暗的心。看到了那层层污垢下残破的碎片和无底的虚无。看穿了他是那样渴望哪怕一丁点光，哪怕那是一个手电，哪怕那是一双闪烁的眼睛。内特亲吻他，仿佛他根本无需被宽恕，仿佛一切都没有发生。但是他无法忽略内特眼睛里的创伤。他们不再回避彼此的痛苦。因为痛苦永远会存在。

“ 没有人应当为你是谁而责怪你。 ” 内特说。韦德猜想自己一定在哭泣，因为哭泣在内特面前是那么容易，放下自尊是那么容易，哪怕事后他会更加憎恨自己。而内特只为他哭过一次。在他们第一次做爱的时候，他戏称自己可能要为了内特而送死，内特永远不会让他作出这种承诺，可是会有那一天的。他希望那一天在他尚未察觉时到来。

他为内特牺牲的那一天来得太晚了。事后回忆起来，他明白了这一点。

他们撕咬，然后甜蜜地舔舐。他们即兴做爱，但他们抓住了最好的机会，就像那是唯一的机会。假如内特也有性幻想收集盒 —— 韦德肯定他有 —— 他认为这将是素材收集的巅峰。韦德不记得他和内特第二天是怎么离开床上去开战略会议的。他不记得别人是否给了他们丰富的眼神。或许他们第二天根本没有离开。韦德调高了电视音量，听着内森 · 戴斯普林 · 萨默斯逝世的新闻。内特并不是今天新闻的主角。最近发生了太多事。内特也许是韦德人生最重要的一个角色，但是他不是韦德人生的主角。也许韦德的人生根本没有主角，他只是试图把自己填满，就像他人曾经帮助他那样。

这一次，命运宽恕了韦德。命运决定在一切恶化之前分开他们。那个句子被斩断，流淌而下，凝结为锈黑的血。句子断了。他不无幽默地想：在一切失控之前戛然而止，也许是发生在他身上最仁慈的事。


End file.
